thoughts

Sex.

One of life’s inevitable events that causes so many problems. Especially for me because to be honest i can’t remember the last time i had sex. I’ve been with my fiancé for 6 years and every time he tries to touch me, i move away.

Something in me clicked tonight, im not sure why or what even, but i started to really delve deep into what my reasons are for not letting him be with me, why i can’t give him the most intimate parts of myself.

I use to believe that sex was the result of two people who loved each other more than life, but slowly as i grew up and began to realise that it’s not. I mean yes, people do sleep with each for love but not always. It’s used as a weapon, as a drug, as a way to escape your life... and this event that is meant to change your life, or make you whole somehow, i think just blurs your vision. Of life, of love... of everything.

But my problem isn’t really to do with that. I wish i could say i’m just shy but the truth is i’m not. Alone i’m completely uninhibited, but when i have to be naked, physically or emotionally around someone else, i just fail. Every time.

And i’m scared of what that means for me. Am i destined to be alone? Will i push people away for the rest of my life because it’s easier than finding out that they don’t like you for who you are?

I’m so scared to show him who i am, i’m scared to lose myself in him because i don’t know if i can come out the other side still knowing who i am.

I don’t love myself. I don’t even really like myself. I hate what i see in the mirror every day, i hate how i feel... i don’t even feel like a whole person most of the time. I just walk around trying to fill my empty spaces with moments or people or anything.

I want to be ok, and i want to love who i am, enough to let someone else love me too. Every time he says he loves me or that i’m beautiful, i just don’t believe him. And i know it’s killing him... or i’m killing him.

People need to feel wanted or loved, and i can’t always show that. I just don’t have it in me.

Scary thought really...

I just don’t have it. And i dont know how to get it or to reach that point where i can say, ‘yes, i like who I’ve become’.

I feel lost and alone. And most times just a little bit sad. And i hide it so well, so that i don’t disappoint the people around me, but i’m just getting really tired and i need someone to listen.

So to you, yes you, the person who is reading this i say thank you. For not interrupting and for just letting me say this and be honest and be myself ... because for once, if you’re still reading this far, i know that someone genuinely cares for me.

I just wish i had the strength and courage to care too.